Dads (and Bears) Don't Stand a Chance

The evolution of the human child from Homo Diaperus to Homo Pottytrainediens is a bizzarre process to witness. Some days, kids seem to want nothing more than to sit on their potty for three hours until something happens. Other days, you'll beg them to use their potty, they'll swear they don't need to go, and then two seconds later they'll inform you of the need for a fresh diaper on their hindparts. Brighton's personal favorite way to break this news to us is "Pee pee, I forgot!" or the more alarming version: "Poo poo, I forgot!"

Well, we had made some progress in this area, but since the arrival of Berkeley who is also a diaper-demolisher, Brighton seems to have lost some ground here. "I forgot!" is heard much more frequently. And then we have incidents like this past week, where "forgot" is even forgotten and all sorts of calamity ensues. Up until this point, nothing I've written has a thing to do with the post title or the image for this post. This is called setting the stage. Here we go.

So Brighton had just finished up a particularly glorious bath in our big master bathroom tub. No bath would be complete, of course, without the proper assortment of toys, inflatables, and old plastic ballpark cups used for sharing the bathwater with the rest of the bathroom. And of course, the bears have to be there to supervise. Brighton doesn't do very many things without the assistance of Pink Bear and/or Big Bear. Big Bear is the happy fella in the tea party picture with Brighton just up there to the right. He is definitely one of her favorites. Well, on this particular bath day, Big Bear was sitting on the step up to our tub, just beside where Brighton's potty had been situated (I had put it there earlier in the day, and it seemed wise to have it accessible right after a bath, as that's a common time for Brighton to have need of such a device). And all was right with the world. And then the bath ended.

This is the part where the memory of what occured begins to go into a Matrix-like slow motion version of itself. I was sitting at the chair in my office, office door half open, straight visual shot across the hallway through the open master bedroom door and through the open shutter-style doorway into the master bathroom. My view gives me a shot of of about half of the sink area between the bathtub on the left and the shower area on the right. Julie, who is assisting Big Bear in the supervision of the bath, shuts off the water and informs Brighton that it's time to get out and dry off. This goes smoothly. And then I hear Julie make a surprised shrieking sound and say something to the effect of "Brightonbrightonbrightonwhatareyoudoing!" Assuming the worst (that Brighton has slipped and fallen), I jump up and make the few quick strides across to where the action is unfolding. Brighton had not fallen. She wasn't hurt in any way at all. But Big Bear had fallen on hard times.

You see, when Brighton exited the tub, she realized she needed to pee. Good thing the potty was right there, ready to be used, right? Nope (or "Nopes" as Brighton says). Instead, she strikes a pretty decent shortstop pose, feet apart, knees slightly bent, rear pushed out a little so she can lean her face forward. And then she proceeds to just mark her territory all over poor Big Bear. That's no way to treat your stuffed buddies. So Big Bear had an evening of cleaning and washing and drying ahead of him. While Julie took Big Bear and started his detox process, I attempted to use the moment to reinforce some potty training advice with Brighton. Here's how that conversation went:

Me: Brighton, did you just pee? (great question, Dad)
B: ummm, yes
Me: Where is the pee pee supposed to go?
B: in the potty
Me: Where did you pee pee?
B: umm, on Big Bear
Me: Do you see the problem here?
B: ........
B: I love you, daddy.

At this point, all teaching and discipline is over. How does a dad deal with that??? The kid is two years old and already has reached a point where she has me totally beaten by a look and a line and has her bears living in fear of being peed on. Oh, to be two and rule the world again.